Return from westeros

A dance with dragons finally came out last week! I finished it last night, it wasn't my favorite of the asoiaf series but still really a wonderful read. Now it's back to real life and that means bills to pay, classes to register for, dieting to be done & life-organization in general.
I'm having a difficult time deciding where to go back to college. Oh, did I mention I'm going back to school? After all my kicking and screaming about wanting to maintain my nomadic lifestyle, outside of the confines of conventional education, I've decided to lock back in. However I'm doing online courses for every class possible, so I believe this commitment will not be as traumatic as I was imagining. The question is; which state?? California or Washington? Semesters or quarters? 
Both have their pros & cons. I've established residency in CA so it would be a heck of a lot cheaper to go to school here. However it will take longer. If I go through Seattle it will be more expensive per credit and when a course pops up that requires my physical presence... Well, then I'll have to be in Seattle. But it would be on the quarter system, which I prefer. 
Either way I have to decide asap.
I'm headed back to the cove today. I'll probably be in humboldt for most of the next few weeks. Then it's back to Seattle for about a month and a half (and hopefully I'll be inundated with homework & studying). Then I think my sister and I are going to spend fall in the woods, back here in N. Ca. 

SO, that's my life-planning up until new years. Then we'll see if the world's ended. If not, I'll make more plans.
Also, even though I feel the pace of my life & accomplishing of my goals has slowed immensely for the summer, I am happy to report my MC of female ninjas currently has four aspiring members. So....at least I've got got the water simmering in that pot.

Carrots Cardio & Coffee

I'm starting to embrace my stationary summer. There is a gym in my complex. By the by, this complex is nicknamed "the zoo" for reasons I will get to in a moment. So I've been working out daily and eating very clean. I can already see a difference in my body, woohoo! I may just hit my summertime goal of becoming a God's Girl.
There are parties here every night, a nocturnal drummer just moved in next door and practices for hours at a time, my Ducati is parked on the street and was already backed into the first night here. My friend who lives in this town came and picked me up the other day and when I hopped in the car she said, "Oh my God, you live in the zoo! People have been shot here". Awesome.
But, surprisingly, it's growing on me. The gym has decent cardio equipment and I'm a few blocks from downtown. There are trees everywhere and EVERYONE rides a bike. It's like Amsterdam in that way. Saturday night you'll see groups of drunk kids riding their bikes home. Also, Robb Wolf lives & trains here. He is a really big name in the paleo diet movement. I'm looking into starting up at his gym which is a crossfit style, though not an affiliate.

Other than that I have nothing noteworthy to report. Oh, B has a girlfriend. It only makes me just a little sad, just a little.
My dad was telling his lawyer he was going to kill my brother for trying to steal his identity. Dementia, what a living hell.
And that's the happs in my summer of suspended motion.

Beyond

I've been reading about transhumanism this morning. If we had the ability to live much longer than the current life span, or even for eternity, I wonder how suicide would be viewed, or where we'd go when we used up the earth, or how many marriages an average person would have...or if marriage would become obsolete. Would we breed?
Would money still be king?
Perhaps only the rich would be able to afford the nanotechnology used to achieve extended life, therefor leaving those middle class and poorer to their natural timely demise. Poverty would literally die out, and I suppose religion as well. Although I think we'd find many'a preacher demonizing science and condemning all those weak and living in the sin of evolution to the fires of hell...then fifty years later the preacher's congregation will have died off and the preacher himself will be thriving on robotics, hating himself as he always had. Maybe for a time poverty and religion might be eradicated, the question is: is it inevitable that they would return?
It would be so cool to have a conversation with a "transhuman". I bet there would be an absence of egocentricity, how else would we survive?

Vive la evolution!!

mecca

I'll keep wandering the Earth until I find this... or build my own.

from asyllum

and I'll run around the woods with a headdress on...

Roam sweet roam

On some nights, he has nowhere to sleep, on others he suffers from insomnia. "That's just how it is," thinks the warrior. "I was the one who chose to walk this path."   In these words lies all his power: He chose the path along which he is walking and so has no complaints.  -Paulo Coelho

I have gained a bit of perspective since yesterday.  I've been reading from one of my favorite authors, Paulo Coelho.  A great writer to look to for answers whenever I'm feeling lost.  Or, I suppose I should say, whenever I'm feeling disheartened about the fact that I AM lost.  He has this "inventory of normality" list.  It basically is a demonstration of all the socially agreed upon "rules" to be considered normal, and how insane it is to live that way.  Sometimes I get disoriented and think that I have strayed so far from the normal, I get this in-too-deep feeling of panic.  Which is silly.  I could go get an 8-5 job and stay put any time I choose.  End of travel blues always leave me with this stationary feeling of panic, "what am I doing?" "if I'm not moving, am I failing at progressing in life?"
Again, so silly.  I think a lot of it had to do with today being father's day, my regret for not taking the herbalist internship and just general exhaustion.
Onward...
this guy gets it... Paulo Coelho on normality

Semi-stationary period imminent

This is my last night in LA.  I have to go to the apartment in northern california I rented for the summer.  To do what, I don't know.  Hang out with good friends, be in the sun, do crossfit and bikram.  Yet, I'm having a slight "losing-my-shit" moment tonight... I guess it's because I'm done with about 6 months of vagabonding.  Yes, I'll be in a new place.  And only for two months (let's be real, probably not even that long).  Why am I suddenly worried that I have lost direction?  Wait, did I ever have any direction?
Hopefully the 8 hour ride up north will sort me out, it always seems to.

Atlanta

fireflies
thunderstorms
and a beautiful tattoo

Tony Mancia, a 24 year old with incredible talent did this on me in one session a couple days ago.  First time a man's touched me in about 5 months.  A good man to be touched by, especially if it's just with needles and ink.

June 10th, poolside in Vegas

Im staying a little ways off the strip at a friend's house.  Friends in hot places, always a plus.  This friend in particular is my partner in crime.  She is a gorgeous, feisty, fun-loving, sport-bike riding, adventure-seeking, down ass bitch.  I just love her.  We've been discussing [her] wedding plans, cooking fabulous food and trying to solidify our motorcycle club.  It's been a dream of mine to put together an all female MC comprised of modern day ninjas.  I had no real-life examples of bad-ass chicks when I was younger, I really just aspired to be a comic book character.  I have a crew in mind of strong, beautiful, multi-talented biker girls...now if only I could channel a type A personality for a bit to get things organized and a slap on everyone's ass to get moving.  These girls have jobs, bands, significant others (all hetero so far...) so not everyone views our gang as a priority.  Me on the other hand.... ;)  Riding through the desert, soaking in the dry heat was EXACTLY what I've been needing.  Getting my bones warm made me feel much stronger, much more grounded.

Up to date

After getting my dad settled into an assisted living facility, I caught a flight down to SF.  I hadn't been so emotionally exhausted since dealing with watching my mom slowly succumb to cancer, it was good to get on a plane and escape to N. CA.  My place of refuge.

 I spent a week there, picked up my ducati, got in a few good days of work, then feeling recharged I decided to go back up to Seattle.  Things with my dad were (as always) volatile and I felt I could help.  The ride up was beautiful!  I took two days and went up the coastline instead of my normal 11 hour power trip up I-5.

Since I've been back in Seattle this week I've realized there is nothing I can do to help my dad.  There is nothing for me here either.  My sister is gone for a summer-long job out of state.  I've just been bumming around with friends all week, waiting for the weather to clear so I can get the fuck out of here and get back to life.
Lately, I've become pretty lazy with letting my bad habits run amuck (amuck [əˈmʌk] a state of murderous frenzy, originally observed among Malays)  If there is an internal battlefield kept in check by introspection & discipline, it is likely mine is currently overrun with berserkers bred of neglect.  Time to go.  I remember seeing this device, a centrifuge.  It spins test tubes to separate cell components according to their relative densities.  I honestly think I need motion in order to pay attention to all my individual internal components.  For some reason it is much easier for me to take care of myself when life is spinning.

The day after tomorrow is supposed to be clear so I'll head down to Chico, get settled in my new place...for a day... then ride down to LA, then to stay with a friend in Vegas.  After that, back to LA for a few days at which point I will fly to Atlanta and get tatt'ed by someone I have been so looking forward to working on me!
motion motion motion motion ;)

Seattle Interlude

5/2/11

Since returning to Seattle from Iceland about a month ago, I have continued to stay with my sister nearly everyday. We did one backpacking trip through the canyonlands in Utah for a week but have otherwise just been bouncing around to small venues watching her friends and other local bands play.  It has been so fabulous having amazing people always wanting to hang out, live music options daily, frozen yogurt and coffee shops always within a minutes distance.  I've had more social contact in the past few weeks than I did my entire stay in Humboldt.  It is sad I have no "family" there.  Anyway, Seattle has been incredible.  Old friends, new friends, so much to entertain.  It almost took away the bitter taste growing up in Seattle had left in my mouth.  I almost thought I could come back for a while without being overwhelmed by personal demons.  Almost.
During this time I've seen my dad a lot.  His mental health has been in serious decline for the past few years and it's all come to a head since I've been home.  As of two days ago he is hospitalized.  I will not recap the events that led up to this as I am heartbroken and exhausted just thinking of them.
I was planning to be gone for an internship with a talented herbalist in Northern CA.  I've decided to stay in Seattle and see this hospitalization through.  Maybe I'll catch the end of the internship (was to be the month of May).  Then I have a room in Chico for the summer.
Yesterday was my birthday.  I spent it at family orientation in the swedish hospital psych ward.

The Wreck

I will say, Iceland was the most incredible place I have ever experienced.  I cannot wait to go back.  Going there in the spring was beautiful and I can't wait to see it covered in green in the summer some day.  My sister and I ended up getting in a car accident.  We had met up with some strangers to share the cost of a rental car for a quick trip around the golden circle.  At first we were unimpressed with our would-be companions and debated on whether or not we should go along with them.  The Belgian girl and German boy "in charge" of organizing the trip were complete idiots.  They took carefree to a new level by; losing the car immediately after parking it, driving too fast and in and out of their lane, etc... But we decided since it was just for a few hours and the road was fine for any type of vehicle at any time of year, we would go.  What a mistake.  Two American girls and another German boy were in the car as well.  They were fine, not necessarily people I would make friends with but decent company for the day trip.  The two organizers were annoying THE SHIT out of me the entire time.  At one point about half way through the day my sister and I requested that we turn around and go home since the weather was becoming quite unpredictable and visibility was becoming an issue.  But, the group decided that "it was an adventure!  We're in Iceland man, let's just do this!"  My sister gave me a look and I knew exactly what she was thinking, "these are the type of idiots that die on vacation because they ignore a sign and walk off a cliff or try to get a photo with a polar bear".  We are all for adventure and going out of bounds but that is because we are survivors who utilize common sense!  Although I guess I shouldn't toot my own horn too much as we ignored our instincts and spent the day in the car with these assholes.  Anyway, as we left the incredible falls of godafoss not a mile down the road, the German boy was driving while facing the Belgian girl talking about some stupid shit.  He looked back at the road as a gust of snow blew across and then cleared.  As it cleared the road was gone, it had curved off to the left.  Instead of slowing down and driving down the slope, he slammed on the brakes and cranked the wheel to the left, flipping the car several times.  I was the only one out of seven people not wearing my seatbelt...bad habit. My pupils turned to stars and my lips a startling shade of blue.  We were all fine, despite some cuts and bruises.  The car was totaled.
As the idiots in front squawked like a bunch of brainless chickens, my sister and I took stock of the situation and called the police.  15 minutes after I called the hens up front started clucking about needing to call the police...idiots.  The German boy hopped out of the car and started running back to godafoss in the snowstorm for help... the wrong direction... idiot.
In the end, all was fine.  A beautiful man (an icelandic cop) came and poked his head into the car.  "Is everyone ok?" he asked.  We replied we were.
"You can't park here." He joked and walked back to his police car.
I love Icelanders.

Iceland overview:
sulfur
Punishing weather conditions
strangers who became dear friends
the magical wilderness and awe-inspiring crescendo of nature
car wreck and the fragility of life
hospitality-warmth and joy while the wild swirls outside our door
horses, birds, vast landscapes on a tiny island
the wind, the sea, and the past

Later that day....

3/11/11
We had drifted off to sleep after a long and event-filled day.  Finally safe and cozy after being towed out of a blizzard, my sister and I were awoken by our new swedish friend, Martin. 

"Come see the lights!" he said, bundled from head to toe.

It might as well have been an emergency fire drill for how quickly we were dressed and tripping over ourselves to get outside.  The night was silent and clear.  Our boots crunching in the snow was the only sound as we walked over to join Fanny and Martin atop the fisherman's playset.  Round booeys hung from rope in place of swings.  "The view is much better from up here" Martin joked.  We climbed up and stood between them, all of us witnessing the auroras fully for the first time.

We looked up...

At first it was a long flat wall of silver across the northern sky.  How appropriate this silver curtain was, for then the show began.

The auroras appeared delicately, taking on elongated shapes and light rolled across them exposing different colors.  They moved elegantly and much like an undersea animal, like some otherworldly creature.  I was overwhelmed by how alien it seemed and my eyes filled with tears, a couple spilled over, rolling down to my ears and I worried briefly that it was so cold they would leave frozen trails down my face.  We spoke in hushed tones, as if our voices might spook the lights, sending them off into the distance.  As an aurora would get to dancing and shifting, taking on new greens, pinks and silvers, then seemingly raining down on us from above we'd forget our silence and start jumping up and down, clapping and laughing like surprised children.  An aurora stretched fully across the sky directly overhead and we all craned our necks to watch as it expanded and draped down around us.

Like a dome, I said.

A church, said my sister.

We all clasped hands.  There we stood, four tiny figures in silent surrender beneath the house of god.

Icelandic adventures

3/11/11

This morning we walked across Reykjavik to meet a young swedish couple we had emailed about joining an excursion.  Their co-worker had offered them his car and the home of his ancestor's for the weekend.  The cabin is in Hofsos, up in Northern Iceland, very close to the arctic circle.  He said he had started the heat inside for us already by remote control.  People were talking about road conditions and the dangers of driving every where we went but the north beckoned.  The drive was beautiful, most of the sights (we were told) weren't as visible as all was blanketed in white.  We got to know our new friends but the real bonding occurred once we arrived in the seemingly deserted town, got lost in a blizzard and stuck in a snow bank.  Even getting out of the car was a challenge and not of much use, we might as well have had buckets on our heads.  Later we were told the most dangerous thing you can do when stuck in Iceland is to get out of the car.  Many people have gotten lost and died that way.  A house (as in our case) could be warm and safe, ten feet away from you and it is possible you would not even see it.  Luckily there is a number to call, The Scouts.  These search and rescue teams venture out into the elements to save stranded tourists or native Icelanders on a regular basis.  We dialed the scouts and a man from Hofsos was alerted.  He arrived, towed our Toyota Corolla hatchback out of the mound of snow we were lodged in and proceeded to bulldoze a pathway up to the cabin, as well as clearing the driveway for us...without so much as a 'how do you do'.   As he drove off, I just saw the shadowed figure of a man give a curt wave.  It was very Norse of him.  We went into the cozy two story cabin and were very grateful for the forethought of the owner for warming it for us.  Suddenly I felt extremely isolated.  The windows were covered in thick snow and we had dug our way in the front door.  We turned on the tv and from our far away little snowed in cabin at the top of the world, along with our new friends who were strangers to us that very morning, and together we watched as Japan was in the throes of disaster.  The quake and following tsunami was reaping havoc across their nation.  Men and women were being interviewed, sobbing and telling of the horrible things they had seen and experienced that day.  It felt so odd to think of so much destruction happening so far away, while we sat, safe, silent and isolated.

Off to Toulouse and then the big island

Tonight I'm packing up Hawaii clothes in my Seattle home. In an hour or so I'll head out to a bar downtown to meet up with L and friends. We've got an early morning flight and are making the most of tonight by drinking until departure. Before leaving humboldt I got in a couple good days of work at B's. All business, no pleasure. Well, yes pleasure, in the way of food, music and laughter. I am so content when I'm with him. I worked until 7pm my final day there and left from his house to drive overnight up to Seattle. I said goodbye and walked out. The moment the door clicked shut I felt my heart squeeze and my eyes start to water. Like walking back through the wardrobe into reality, leaving my magical space behind. But it's done. When I got into my car I resolved only to come back long enough after Iceland to collect my things and move.
These past few days in Seattle have been phenomenal. I regained all of my post-Mexico clarity and then some. I'm completely inspired and stoked on this year's possibilities. Writing, motorcycles, sexual expression-sans a man, tattoos, new locales... And time with my dearest dears in between.
Making the decision to leave humboldt entirely, at least until fall, became easy once I witnessed my complete regression from my Mexican bliss in a matter of days. Must.get.out. Bye bye lover man, trees, the coast and my place of emotional rebirth. You have served your purpose.
I wish you a very fond farewell. Xoxo


edit/ here are some hawaii photos <3

Regression

Not a week after my last post I found myself driving the twisting Briceland road back out to the cove, cursing myself aloud and holding back tears. You see, two days after the "friends feels good" evening I went to help S with yardwork. In S world no activities take place without several bottles of booze and a tray full of little chalky lines. Mistakenly I joined in the festivities of the day without eating breakfast... or lunch and dinner. A bottle and a half of red later I was texting B and flipping a coin to decide if I should accept his invite over. I forget what the coin said but I drove on over, of course I did.
We were friends that evening and fell asleep snuggled up. Sometime in the night we both woke up, I can't remember waking, only that he was kissing me. It'd been 6 months. 6 months of drought from him. That night was like slipping back into my most comfortable skin. After he fell asleep lying next to me holding my hand, I lay there thinking I hadn't felt so high, so fulfilled, for 6 months. He's my addiction. Of course detox has been rough yet again, beating myself up for being so weak, for wanting babies and a life with a man who only remembers my existence every so often. At least I'm going away again. Motion is key, I only get dizzy when I stay in one place.

Back in America 2/10/11

After arriving at LAX my flight back to humboldt was delayed for two days. I spent them with my amazing auntie. We had sushi, pinkberry, got mani/pedis, caught up on eachothers lives over delicious red wine... All of my favorite things. It was a perfect reintroduction into modern civilization. I think it was in the large pedicure chair with a Korean woman massaging my hands that I started to warm back up to my American indulgences. LA is such a thriving hub of creation. I actually love it there. I flew up to Arcata, picked up my car and headed out to the cove. I've been living in a cute one bedroom house by the sea. It's beautiful and remote, no cell service, no Internet. It felt like coming home as I drove into southern humboldt. Once I got home I hauled my bags out of my car and sat down on the couch to rest my eyes. I woke up 14 hours later to my silent little house. I wasn't really ready to be there yet so I packed a weekend bag for the city (SF of course!) and called up my crazy red-headed friend to see what she was up to. Apparently C was relaxing at her parents property in Petaluma. C has amazing parents. They are strong, intelligent, compassionate hippies. They live in a turn of the century farmhouse on a beautiful patch of land in the vivid green rolling hills that make up the magical outskirts of Petaluma.

Being somewhat of an orphan I cherish the times spent with other people's parents with whom I actually feel at home. We partied in SF at night and spent the afternoons on her parent's porch, me reading and C sketching out beautiful naked women draped in animal pelts. The weekend came to an end and I headed home once again fully refreshed. That evening I called a friend to wish him happy birthday, he said a small group was at his place celebrating and asked me to come by. "B's here, is that gonna be weird?" he asked. Not at all. I felt so far removed from my heartbreak I really didn't mind at all. However as I started to drive over I noticed I was shaking. The physical effect that man has on me is ridiculous! I went over for dinner, wine and cocaine (as is customary in that household). I spent most of the evening catching up and laughing with B. We stayed up til 5am and then went to sleep in separate bedrooms. Friends feels good.

LAX

Even as I was landing back in the states I could feel my body rejecting it. After going through customs and being shot out the other side into a sea of Chinese people I went into the bathroom and locked myself in a stall. The beach, bicycles, composting toilets, the SKY... all turned to concrete and consumers. I gave myself a silent pep talk about being an intrepid traveller and adapting, and exited my stall.
That was my return to America.
One day you come home to your man, bloated pig that he's become, sitting on the couch. He's talking over everyone else about how important he is, how strong, how smart. How he needs to start enforcing his lifestyle on the neighbors because after all, is he not the greatest man alive? Possibly the greatest to ever live? He says this atop a pile of plastic two liter coke bottles and a pool of oil soaking the carpet. You stare back wondering how you could have possibly thought this was the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. True, anything you ever wanted would be within a moments grasp and the moment you didn't want it it would simply disappear into some magical abyss. But...that isn't really a blessing is it? Even if it was, is that really a reason to stay with someone? No. So you do what all once in love couples do upon parting, remember the good times, see each other for what you once were. How do you do this? Amazing goodbye sex of course.
That will be what I'm doing this year....
So get ready America, we're going to have amazing goodbye sex.

A few weeks later...

I am at the Ixtapa aeropuerto. There is so much space inside of me. Clear, unadulterated space. I've had plenty of time and freedom to think about what direction I want to head this year. I'd been considering staying in Humboldt as I did the previous year, that would be the most financially sound plan. But I know at my core that I am a nomadic being. The longer I stay in one spot the more I am drained of my passion, my serenity. My essence becomes dull and muddled. When traveling, adventuring, I am alive and I am myself. I continually try to force myself into having a home base and reasons to stay there. No more I think. I'm going on several trips, that will take me into spring. After that the weather will be getting warmer and that means only one thing to me- motorcycle weather.
My plan? One pack, couch surfing, motorcycles, tattoos, southern states... I plan to have a real "american" (say that in your best redneck voice) summer. Where I'll be and when? I hardly know. How long? As long as I can. I'd hope until the weather cools and I'm back to humboldt for the fall. After that? I think I'd like to go to central and south America for quite some time. And because of that notion I intend to do America this year, do it the way I view America, in it's quintessence. I'm utilizing what little networking skills I possess (ahem... Facebook) to find a person who builds choppers. I don't know shit about mechanics and I'm not particularly mechanically inclined. I do however love motorcycles something fierce. And I would like to know how to build one, their ins & outs and how to keep up with general maintenance. I imagine staying on a farm, learning how to do this in a barn as sunlight streams in on a cantankerous old timer with naval tattoos... But we'll see who (if anyone) takes me on as a student. I'm not sure if/when/how that will happen but I hope it is a part of my American adventure.
My other goal for this summer is to get some more artwork on my body. I've got a wish list of artists and more than a few tattoo ideas bouncing around in my mind's eye. These artists are spread cross-country and are booked months in advance, thus adding some parameters to my summer time wandering.
Along with bikes and tats, I want to see farms. I so dearly want to ride horses again! I've been learning a bit about composting and sustainable living, I'd like to see this as it applies to farm life. Some day I hope to homestead or move to Uruguay and start a self-sustaining village, so any knowledge along these lines will be much needed.
Lastly, I want to meet my forever man. The moment I turned 25 I heard an audible "tic" and suddenly pregnancy no longer seemed a parasitic problem I may contract, ending like a scene from Alien. Much to the shock of anyone who knows me, and even greater so to myself, I wanna get knocked up. There is so much joy in my life and I've gone to all the dark corners of my soul and swept up the shattered bits....I'm ready to consider being a mom. I want to fall in love with the man I will eventually start making babies with. Everyone says that it's when you least expect it that your true love will arrive, I'm good with that. However, I just want to put this out into the universe; to my forever man, I'll be blowing around like a seed upon the wind. If you should happen to see me you better snatch me up and plant me in some rich beautiful soil. I want to grow and flourish with you.
Until my baby making days arrive, I wander! A gypsy life, chance paths taken, flying leaps, ETCETERA!
farewell Mexico, I hold you very dear to my heart! You will always be the safe haven I return to to lick my wounds and jump back into life swinging :)

A study on the effect of travel when applied to heartache

The saying goes something like, "the only zen you find at the top of a mountain is the zen you brought with you".  Well, the only heartbreak you find on the beach in Troncones, Mexico is the heartbreak you brought with you.  Five days ago I sat holding back tears on my flight out of humboldt county, CA headed for Mexico, wondering if physical distance could also bring the emotional distance I so desperately needed.  An entire year had gone by while I passionately, pathetically, pined away for a man who did not want me.  From our first, and only, date the year before our feelings had set out in opposite directions.  Needless to say, it didn't work out.  That didn't stop either of us from using each other on whatever physical or emotional whim we needed to carry out, careless of the emotional repercussions.  I tend to drag these hopeless situations out and at the stroke of midnight this past new years eve I accepted defeat.  There in the middle of a dive bar in San Francisco, surrounded by celebration, I felt my heart crack right down to my glittering heels.

  
I knew I couldn't spend the rest of winter in the small Humboldt community.  Constantly running into my unrequited love.  No.  I had to get out. 
     Troncones has been the glimmer of hope that always pops into my mind when I need; escape, recovery, peace from my grief.  A friend had taken me there a few years ago, just after I watched my mother slip away, finally overcome by the cancer that had ravaged her gentle body and soul.  In a too-scared-to-feel/emotionally exhausted daze, I was whisked off to Mexico.  After several days in Troncones I was still waking up from my horrific dreams in which I would find my mother after frantically searching in some dark and evil location, her huddled up in a ball, face painted white like an aboriginal.  We would reunite in tearful embraces, I'd be so relieved to see her again.... only to wake up, remember I would not in fact be seeing her again.  Ever.  Reality would come crashing back in like the waves out at the point, sometimes pulling me under and spitting me out disoriented, other times just a quick cold slap in the face.  However, I discovered that Troncones is a place of peace.  Maybe it's the consistency, the unending patience and space of the ocean that makes it such a place of healing.  After a meal in town my friend and I had walked back along the beach under a thick blanket of stars mirrored in the sand by phosphorous as we left sparkling footprints behind us and watched the waves glitter as they rolled in.  By the end of my two week stay in Troncones the dreams had subsided and I was feeling solid enough to return and face the world. 
     So as I sunk down into my chair on new year's eve, trying not to resent all of the happy lovers as they kissed their way into the future, I got on my iphone.  By 12:05 am of 2011 I had booked a flight for that very same week.  Back to my place of refuge, and I would not return for a month.  The next morning I considered my rash, slightly intoxicated decision.  A month, alone, heartbroken... did I make a mistake?  Was I exiling myself to sit on the beach unable to escape my aching thoughts?  Either way, the trip was booked.  I looked into staying in the same hotel as my past visit, I also looked into staying at the yoga retreat where I had done some wonderful classes but both were quite expensive and I had already spent too much on spur of the moment airfare.  I settled at last on a little surf hostel quite a ways down the single dirt road that runs through town.  It was inexpensive, eco-friendly and had loads of positive reviews.  Days later I was on a plane at 5:30am, under prepared, wondering if I had made the right decision and still aching in my chest whenever my thoughts reverted towards what I was running from.
After landing in Ixtapa I didn't even have to make the 15 minute trip to Zihua before the incomparable feeling of "I'm going to be ok" hit me.  I walked out of the airport parking lot, past the tourists waiting to spend 700 pesos for a taxi ride to town, out to where the white collectivo full of airport employees picked me up.  Off to Zihua, for 10 pesos.  It was on this collectivo full of Mexicans that the "I'm going to be ok" feeling washed over me.  I sat smiling, beaming at all of them and they looked back at me and glanced at each other like, "what a crazy gringa..."
     I've been in Troncones for a week and the feeling hasn't left me.  I spend the mornings jumping onto my surfboard trying to get into the peaceful groove of the ocean, only to tumble off, put on spin cycle, swallow gulps of saltwater and get spit back out to the surface.  It's divine.  My muscles ache and I hit the beach with trepidation each day but I'm enjoying the process.  Next week I'll start up yoga classes on the shaded wooden platform set over the sand.  I'm staying with surfers and wandering souls that are always up for adventure or will sit quietly next to me while I read "Gone with the Wind" for hours on end.  Peace and solitude are never more than moments away.  The beach hardly has anyone on it and the town in sparsely populated by locals, Americans that have become locals, and a small spattering of tourists.

I've been hanging around a south-african surfer with a dreamy accent and adonis-like figure.  He's off for Acapulco tomorrow so that scenery will no longer be around to admire, but it is a hostel after all and a constant turn over of surfer boys to entertain me, to turn my eyes to this moment and to future possibilities.
One thing I am certain of, down to the core of my being,
I'm going to be just fine :)